This year I transferred to a new middle school as an 8th grade student. The school was bigger than I’m used to, but I made friends pretty quickly. All the kids and the teachers are pretty nice, (except for a few.) I like my classes and the way the school works. I made the basketball team and I joined the student council. I know I have to prepare for high school next year, which stresses me out, but I didn’t think it would come this soon.
Our winter formal is next week and all of my friends are spending the night at my friend’s house because her parents are out of town for the weekend. The problem is, she told her parents that she was staying at my house, so she can have kids over after for a party. Ok, this freaks me out because I have never lied to my parents, and I’m regularly a good kid. Not only that, but, my friends have told me how there will be drinking and drugs there.
I’m not sure what to do. I can’t tell my parents the truth, because my friends will hate me and the party will not happen, which will make me the biggest loser on the planet. If I go, I can’t not drink or at least try it, or I’ll be looked at as a “goody goody.” Drugs scare me, so I have to figure out a way to avoid them in any way possible.
As you are someone who just transferred to a new school and had to adjust to a new set of teachers and students, I understand how much you'd really like to continue to fit in. Socializing is a very important part of any young adolescent's life (although it is sometimes prioritized too much!), and no one wants to feel like they don't have a certain group that they belong to. That being said, parties can create a bit of a moral gray area; especially for people so young and inexperienced. Although you consider these people your friends, just remember that you are still your own person. Your choices should define who you are, and should not reflect the choices of those around you in order to simply "fit in". If you are OK with helping let this party happen by not telling your parents, it doesn't mean that you have to drink and do drugs if it is not something you feel comfortable doing. If a friend is pressuring you, decline the offer and let them know that you would appreciate it if they would respect your choice to not participate in something that you do not personally believe in. If they continue to pressure you, remove yourself from the situation, because true friends should never try and make you do something you don't want to do. In that scenario, you may realize that the people you hang out with may not be the types of people that you want to hang out with anymore. Just remember that there are always other people out there who you will find have similar interests and morals as yourself.
Dear Abby, I am a 15 year freshman girl in high school with older girlfriends who all are allowed to date and have boyfriends . Since I’m the only one without a boyfriend, I feel the need to get one. Especially since every time we hang out I’m the only one that’s dateless. I feel the need to get a boyfriend mainly to not lose my friends. Oh yeah! Did I mention that they are the most popular girls in the school. They are. My dilemma is that my parents are adamant about me not dating until I’m 17. I could sneak behind their backs, but I have never lied to them before. I love my parents, but I love my new found popularity and I don’t want it to go away.
It seems like you answered your own question. You only want a boyfriend so you don’t lose your friends. If you are not ready to start dating, that is totally fine. Adolescence can be a difficult period of time for many teens. Everyone experiences physical and psychological changes at different periods in their teenage years. Your friends may feel they are at that stage in their life where they are ready for boyfriends. Or perhaps, they are only dating because they believe they need to in order to be popular. I would talk with your friends and ask them their reasons for dating. After listening to their responses, you can tell them why you don’t want to date. It may be because you enjoy just hanging out with your friends or there is no one you like. You can explain to them that you don’t want to date just for the label. Once you express your thoughts, your friends should have a better understanding of why you don’t want to date. If they can’t accept how you feel, then maybe they are not your real friends. You need to do what is right for you. As for your parents, you can also talk to them. If you are nervous talking to your parents you could ask a guidance counselor or a trusted teachers on tips with how to communicate with adults. You can have a mature conversation and find out why they feel you have to be 17 to date. Together you can can discuss the pros and cons and come to a mutual decision. You should feel better after having these conversations with your parents and your friends.
I am a sixth grade girl at a brand new middle school. My parents have talked with me about puberty a few times. This year, they bought me deodorant and body spray for my gym bag so I’m not stinky after class. However, my best friend really smells after gym class and I don’t think she has deodorant. I heard some boys making fun of her at lunch, and I told them to stop, but I know someone has to tell her. She is really sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I tell her she doesn’t smell good after gym without looking like a jerk?
Dear Smelly in Sixth’s BFF, First of all, I commend you for looking out for your friend! It is never easy to approach a topic like this one. However, as you mentioned, boys and possibly others are making fun of her and she may be wondering why she is being treated this way. It is best to address the issue as soon as possible. Puberty is a time of rapid physical growth; your body is changing and you may need to take care of your body in a different way. Your friend may not be as well informed about adolescence as you. You are fortunate that your parents were comfortable enough to have “the talk” with you and to buy you some personal hygiene products. This may be a great way to approach your friend. Consider treating her to a new deodorant or a body spray. She may appreciate your thoughtfulness and be excited to use it too! We all enjoy getting an unexpected gift! She will also feel as though she is not the only person going through these changes if you are using new products as well. I’m hoping that your friend is thrilled by your kind gesture; however, you mentioned that she is sensitive. If she does not respond well to your gift, simply say that you were trying to help and did not mean to hurt her feelings. You may have to ask a teacher or guidance counselor that you are comfortable with for some advice. Maybe your gym teacher or school nurse could have a whole-class hygiene lesson. There may be other students who could benefit from this very important discussion. In the end, you can never be considered a jerk for trying to be a good friend.
Dear Abby: All the girls in middle school care about one thing, their weight. The goal is to be a size zero in jeans and an xs in shirts. Apparently boys only find girls pretty if they are super skinny. In the lunchroom many of my friends refuse to eat. They don’t want other people watching them eat or see what they are eating. The other day I brought a juice box, sandwich, and a bag of chips for lunch. All of my friends stared at me eating while they drank their water bottles. I asked them if they wanted some and they just made faces. They said people would judge me because I was eating fattening food. Many girls in my school won’t eat in the cafeteria because they don’t want people to judge them and they don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want everyone judging me and calling me fat because I want to eat. I want to be liked and have boys think I am cute. We all know that Abercrombie and Fitch only sells clothes for skinny people. If I don’t wear Abercrombie and Fitch then I would just stand out more because I am not dressed like everyone else. Should I just not eat lunch? Is it healthy to skip lunch everyday? ---Confused and hungry
In your letter, you express that ALL the girls in the middle school only care about one thing, their weight. Do you think that is really true? Do you think there are other girls who really feel the same pressure of being thin as you do? I’d like you to think about what you need and love that makes you feel confident. Believe it or not, most boys and girls alike are attracted to people that are confident.
Have you tried bringing healthy food to eat at lunch? You could bring in things like salads, fruit, nuts, yogurt? Salads and protein options are always available at the school cafeteria if you do not have them at home. If anyone responds negatively to this, you can tell them you are fueling your body with the nutrients and vitamins it needs to have glowing skin, shiny hair, and strength to get through the rest of your day. You can also tell them that by not eating, your skin turns very pale, you can lose your hair, your eyes will begin to look sunken and you get BAD BREATH! Instead of people talking about how fat you are, they will be talking about how awful you look and smell!
I think a question to ask yourself is how YOU feel about you. What makes you confident. What great qualities do you possess that make you attractive both on the inside and outside? Look at yourself in the mirror everyday before you leave for school. Talk to yourself. Recite the things that are great about you. It may sound silly, but saying it and believing it will greatly improve your confidence. In time, people will start modeling after your positive behavior. Think healthy both inside and out!
Dear Abby, I am almost 13 years old and I am SO excited... my mom said that I could have a party for my birthday! I made sure that I buttered her up a bit because I reeeeeeeally want to have my first boy/girl party! I'm almost officially a teenager so obviously it's about time. I mean, I am thirteen...almost. BUT (there's always a but..) I'm really nervous. I have a crush on this boy and I really want to invite him. I know that he would come to my party but all of my friends said that he would want to give me my first kiss for my birthday. I'm super nervous. I don't think that I am ready yet but all of my friends have had their first kiss already and if I don't do it, they'll make fun of me and think I'm a total spazz. I mean, it's just a kiss.. so I guess it's not that big of a deal..but it is to me! What should I do? I want to invite him but what if he tries to kiss me? How do I say no if I'm not ready?
Sincerely, Princess with a frog that she's not ready to turn into a prince
You are the captain of your ship. The captain will not be kissed by anyone unless she wants to be kissed.
There are reasons why you had to “butter up” your mother in order to have this boy / girl thirteenth birthday party. One of those reasons in kissing. Your mother, by virtue of being however old she is, knows about kissing. You can trust me on this one. I am a mother to a daughter about your age, and I know about kissing, too.
The kissing (or lack of) isn’t the problem, dear girl. The problem seems to be your friends’ responses to the kissing (or lack of).
Your problem is that you do not want your friends to make fun of you or think you’re lame because you do not want this boy to kiss you. Now, that we have that straight - that you do not, in fact, want this boy to kiss you, but you do, in fact, want your friends to respect your decision not to kiss him - let’s get down to the business of your friends, who are the source of your worries.
Here is how you solve your problem: You have a very awesome thirteenth birthday party that is so cool, no one has time to think about kissing. You enlist your mom to help you plan cool things to do that keep everyone so entertained, there will be no time or space to even think about kissing. You can have games, contests, food, music, dancing and whatever else you think of to make your party awesome. As the birthday girl, have fun at your own party, and the fun will be contagious.This will leave no opportunity for anyone to think about kissing.
Unless, of course, I’m wrong, and your friends do think about kissing and give you a hard time despite your awesome party. In that case, there is only one thing to do: Know that you will thrive in spite of whatever grief your friends hurl your way. You are a brave and thoughtful girl. You are a strong and fierce warrior. If your friends turn against you, you will be sad at first and then you will be ok. You may continue to be friends with your old friends, or you may make new friends. Or both.
But you will be just fine no matter what your friends think about your decision to not kiss this boy because you will have done the thing that is right for you: not kissing him. You must believe in your own judgment. You have to live with yourself twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, which means you need to make decisions that work for you. Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s opinion of you. Count yourself among the people worth pleasing.
I’m afraid I’m going to lose my friends because I have to spend all my time on my schoolwork. My family expects me to do extremely well in school. They even want me to join the junior honor society. School really stresses me out, and the pressure to always do well is overwhelming. I could really use a break sometimes. I do alright, but it takes a lot of work, time and studying. My friends keep asking me if I can hang out with them, but I always have to tell them no because my parents want me home studying.
My friends don’t talk to me as much as they talk to each other, since they spend so much time outside of school together. I’m nervous that they’ll stop wanting to be friends with me altogether if I don’t start hanging out with them. How do I convince my parents to let me take some time off from my studying to go out with my friends? I need to have friends in school; most of my class already thinks I’m weird because I’m smart. I won’t make it if I lose the few friends I have now. How can I explain to my parents that my grades won’t slip just because I want to spend a few hours socializing? Am I wrong for wanting to go out rather than studying?
Having to balance friends and school can be very difficult and stressful. I think it’s important that you confide in your parents and let them know how you are really feeling. They know you’re smart and capable. They may not know that by pushing you they are causing you to feel very stressed and overwhelmed. Your parents are not in school with you so they also don’t know the challenges you face at school unless you tell them. When you speak with your parents, let them know that you value their support but that you need a balance between school and friends in order to continue being successful in school. By being open with your parents, they may have a better understanding of how you’ve been feeling. Ask your parents for the opportunity for you to prove to them that you can keep up your grades even when given some time to spend with your friends instead of just telling them that your grades won’t slip. Actions speak louder than words. You and parents can come up with an appropriate amount of time to prove that you can handle both school and socializing. If you ever do find that your school work is too difficult and you may need tutoring or extra help from a teacher, it is important to have that conversation with them as well. It doesn’t mean that you are any less smart, it just means you need more support. By having these conversations, you are advocating for yourself by letting them know exactly what you need to be successful.
It is also important that you have a conversation with your friends. Have you told them why you are unable to hang out with them or let them know how you feel? If they are truly your friends, they won’t give up on your friendship just because you can’t hang out with them. Let them know that you value their friendship. If all they see is how well you perform in school, they may not feel that you need to study that much. Be honest with them and let them know you really do need a lot of time to study and complete work. There are many students in the world who perform well in school but have to study a lot to do so. You are not the only one, even if it does feel like it sometimes.
I feel like a lot of my close friends have started to outgrow me; in more ways than one. I’m still waiting for my growth spurt to kick in, while my friends are shooting up like beanstalks. One of my friends used this to his advantage and became a starter on the basketball team. Another friend took up skateboarding, and spends his time talking about stuff like boards and wheels and different tricks he can do. I know that I’m not very good at doing either of those things (believe me, I’ve tried!) so I haven’t seen much of either of them lately. I’m worried that the time they spend with their new friends will make them forget about me and I’ll be left without any of the friends that I grew up with. I really don’t want to lose my friends but I don’t really fit in with the groups that they now belong to. There also aren’t very many groups that I feel like I would feel comfortable in. Is it OK for me to pretend to be something I’m not in order to try and keep my friends?
Dear Fill Out or Sell Out, I understand where your coming from; I was the shortest and smallest kid in my grade too. Don’t feel like your behind on the growth curve. Everyone’s bodies are developing at different rates, its totally normal. While you may not feel the most successful at the sports your friends are playing, maybe you can introduce your friends to an interest of yours instead. Try inviting them out to do something that you love, or are good at. If they’re truly good friends they’ll make sure your included in what they do. If not, it wouldn’t hurt to join one of the other groups you feel comfortable with. Our friends and our interests will change a lot in life, especially in middle school. I know that it might be scary to think about not being friends with the kids you grew up with, but there are a lot of other kids in your school who are worth getting to know. I’m sure that there are other students who will have things in common with you and your interests. You have to put yourself first and do whats best for you and your happiness, not what will impress your friends at the moment. Pretending to be something you're not can turn into a very tricky situation. You don’t want to put yourself into a bad situation where you feel pressured to do the wrong thing just to fit in. True friends will never ask you to change who you are, or make you feel bad for being yourself. Try hanging out with some of the other groups. This might just be the perfect opportunity to find even closer friends to be around.
I am a 13 year old girl and I am in 7th grade. These past couple months I have been struggling to balance my friends and school. I started off the school year strong. I was respectful to teachers, followed every direction that was given to me, and completed all my work. I had many friends and got along with everyone in my class. Two of my best friends who are both girls were really nice, and did well in school too. They always helped me with my classwork when I needed it and I really liked hanging out with them.
In the past couple months my two best friends have not been doing well in school. They get in trouble a lot for missing class, being disrespectful to the teachers, and they have not been doing their classwork. They are also no longer getting along with a lot of people who happen to be my friends and have gotten into many fights. As a result I feel like I can’t talk to those friends anymore. I don’t want to make my best friends angry by talking to people they don’t get along with. I am a little scared of them because they are bigger than me so I don’t want to put myself in a position where they might want to fight me.
I am starting to feel really isolated from my class and feel like I have very little friends now. I want to stay away from them while staying on their good side. They have been getting me in trouble because I feel like I have to do what they ask. Sometimes that means I let them use my phone in class even though I know it will get taken away if the teacher sees it. My grades have been getting worse and I was even close to failing a couple classes because I haven’t been completing my work. I also feel pressure to act just like them by coming to class late with them and not following directions. I miss my old friends very much. I also miss the way things used to be when I was a good student and was able to get along with all my classmates. I never got in trouble then and had no problems with peers. How can I start separating myself from my two best friends without being obvious that I no longer want to hang out with them? How can I be honest with them and say that I want to talk to and be friends with the people they don’t like without them getting upset with me? How can I say no to them without them getting angry at me when they want me to be late to class or use my phone in class?
Juggling friends, family, schoolwork and extracurricular activities can be really difficult! Sometimes even our best friends, who are usually really good students, do not do what is expected of them. As they are your friends, you want to trust them, but it is clear they are not making good choices. I can totally understand not wanting to get in trouble with them. At the end of the day, the person you need to look out for is yourself. You need to make sure you are staying as happy, smart and safe as possible at school. I am really concerned about the fact that you are worried they might want to “fight” you. This sounds like a very dangerous situation. Go and talk with your favorite school administrator and guidance counselor before confronting your old best friends. If you are nervous, talk to a teacher you trust and ask them to go to the guidance department with you. These adults are at school to help you with problems, so you don’t have to face them alone! Your guidance counselor will help you find the safest and best way to talk to your friends. They might even be able to help you talk with your teachers about the trouble you have been getting into lately! I know that with their help, you will find a positive solution to this problem.
Please help! I teach sixth grade and love it! I seem to bond quickly with most of my students and make every effort to connect with the most challenging. However, I feel that I am in a situation with one student that is testing my ability not to challenge what is being said at home.
“Kay” is a bright and talented student. Although shy in class, she loves to share during small group discussions and really comes alive during social lunches. Our team offers social lunches so students can take a break from the noise and organized chaos of the cafeteria. During one of our lunches, “Kay” confided in me that she was having some issues at home. This is certainly a topic that comes up during this unstructured, relaxed time. Her parents share joint custody and she sees both parents on a regular basis. She shared that she does not enjoy going to her dad’s and stepmom's because they question everything that she is doing. I had the usual response that they are concerned and want to be involved. Then “Kay” said that her stepmom questions everything that she eats and will say, “Are you really going to eat that?” or “Do you want something healthier?” Simply by appearances, “Kay” does not seem to have a health problem where these comments may be made out of concern.
As a mother of two daughters, this made my blood boil! I have always respected the home/school connection; however, my top priority needs to be “Kay.” What advice can I give this remarkable young woman to help her without overstepping my professional boundaries?
Dear Mom Hat vs. Teacher Hat, Ugh, I totally understand where Kay is coming from. Sometimes when our parents are hard on us or mention something super annoying, we get really frustrated! Even though we know that our parents care, it still really bothers us. I think Kay confided in you because she trusts you. I mean, I get that you’re her teacher, not her parent, but as an adult, it’s nice to be able to go to someone and talk about things that we may not be comfortable talking about with our parents. Since Kay is having some conflicts at home with her mom, I think she just really wanted an adult to go to and vent. Sometimes, we just need an ear to listen!! I feel like being in middle school, a lot of grown-ups don’t take us seriously. I get that we’re still kids, but we are expected to have all of this responsibility and make our own choices yet when we do, we get in trouble sometimes. We’re learning. It’s all very different from elementary school and it’s scary. If I were you, I would tell Kay to just be open and honest with her mother. I know that Kay is mad at her mom, but tell her to approach it in a calm way. If she went to her mom and said “Mom, I really appreciate you wanting to help me but it’s making me feel self-conscious when you point out my eating habits.” I think she would be able to open up a little and let her mom know that it’s hurtful without being super disrespectful. I hope this helps!
Sincerely, A middle schooler just trying to get it right.
Dear Abby, Please help me. My name is Emma. I am in seventh grade, and I am having serious friend problems. I have two best friends, Jennie and Hannah, and we have been best friends since nursery school. Our moms even went to college together. We have always done everything together and shared all our secrets.There is nothing about me that these girls don’t know. But, lately, I have been feeling very sad because Jennie and Hannah have been hanging around together without me, and I don’t know why. It started at the end of October, right around Halloween. We always spend Halloween together, at one of our houses, watching creepy movies and eating candy. This year, Hannah told me that she was sick, and Jennie said that she had to take her little sister around the neighborhood trick-or-treating, but I found out after that they watched movies without me. Then, about two weeks later, they went to the trampoline park together and didn’t even invite me. At school, I walked over to them one morning to say hello, and they both acted like they were in a super big hurry to get to class. Then, I saw them duck into the bathroom. Without me! I feel so sad and depressed, and I miss my best friends. When I told my mom about what’s going on, she said it will blow over and to talk to some of the other girls at school. But then I heard her arguing with Jennie’s mom on the phone, and now I feel bad about that too! I miss my friends, dear Abby, and I don’t know why they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. Please help!
I definitely understand that feeling of missing friends, of whom you knew and loved from you were little. I too went through a similar situation. But please, don’t waste your time trying to figure out what went wrong with your friendship or if you did something wrong. Guess what, you didn’t. If these are your true friends they will be there for you when you really need them. Yes, it hurts seeing them together and not being able to hang out or even converse with them, life stands still for no one. Get on with your life. Take some time to get to know who you are and experience life and some new activities without them. Sometimes we may not like what our parents have to say, but usually they’re right. In this case, listen to mom, go out and make some new friends. I’m certain that you have some wonderful qualities and if your other friends cannot appreciate, your new ones definitely will.
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ReplyDeletehttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1myjLJCCIccAk5XTdFfv0lQDqTQ1QuYuGq6FTwT3-wb0/edit
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
DeleteThis year I transferred to a new middle school as an 8th grade student. The school was bigger than I’m used to, but I made friends pretty quickly. All the kids and the teachers are pretty nice, (except for a few.) I like my classes and the way the school works. I made the basketball team and I joined the student council. I know I have to prepare for high school next year, which stresses me out, but I didn’t think it would come this soon.
Our winter formal is next week and all of my friends are spending the night at my friend’s house because her parents are out of town for the weekend. The problem is, she told her parents that she was staying at my house, so she can have kids over after for a party. Ok, this freaks me out because I have never lied to my parents, and I’m regularly a good kid. Not only that, but, my friends have told me how there will be drinking and drugs there.
I’m not sure what to do. I can’t tell my parents the truth, because my friends will hate me and the party will not happen, which will make me the biggest loser on the planet. If I go, I can’t not drink or at least try it, or I’ll be looked at as a “goody goody.” Drugs scare me, so I have to figure out a way to avoid them in any way possible.
What should I do?
From,
Loser in the making
Dear Loser in the making,
DeleteAs you are someone who just transferred to a new school and had to adjust to a new set of teachers and students, I understand how much you'd really like to continue to fit in. Socializing is a very important part of any young adolescent's life (although it is sometimes prioritized too much!), and no one wants to feel like they don't have a certain group that they belong to. That being said, parties can create a bit of a moral gray area; especially for people so young and inexperienced. Although you consider these people your friends, just remember that you are still your own person. Your choices should define who you are, and should not reflect the choices of those around you in order to simply "fit in".
If you are OK with helping let this party happen by not telling your parents, it doesn't mean that you have to drink and do drugs if it is not something you feel comfortable doing. If a friend is pressuring you, decline the offer and let them know that you would appreciate it if they would respect your choice to not participate in something that you do not personally believe in. If they continue to pressure you, remove yourself from the situation, because true friends should never try and make you do something you don't want to do. In that scenario, you may realize that the people you hang out with may not be the types of people that you want to hang out with anymore. Just remember that there are always other people out there who you will find have similar interests and morals as yourself.
Good Luck,
Abby
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1e-wDCjmS-VrAN796c8BlFiV_QYucfEPnf-XbMeVqy-0/edit
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am a 15 year freshman girl in high school with older girlfriends who all are allowed to date and have boyfriends . Since I’m the only one without a boyfriend, I feel the need to get one. Especially since every time we hang out I’m the only one that’s dateless. I feel the need to get a boyfriend mainly to not lose my friends. Oh yeah! Did I mention that they are the most popular girls in the school. They are.
My dilemma is that my parents are adamant about me not dating until I’m 17. I could sneak behind their backs, but I have never lied to them before. I love my parents, but I love my new found popularity and I don’t want it to go away.
Please help,
Family or Friends
Dear Freshman Girl,
DeleteIt seems like you answered your own question. You only want a boyfriend so you don’t lose your friends. If you are not ready to start dating, that is totally fine. Adolescence can be a difficult period of time for many teens. Everyone experiences physical and psychological changes at different periods in their teenage years. Your friends may feel they are at that stage in their life where they are ready for boyfriends. Or perhaps, they are only dating because they believe they need to in order to be popular. I would talk with your friends and ask them their reasons for dating. After listening to their responses, you can tell them why you don’t want to date. It may be because you enjoy just hanging out with your friends or there is no one you like. You can explain to them that you don’t want to date just for the label. Once you express your thoughts, your friends should have a better understanding of why you don’t want to date. If they can’t accept how you feel, then maybe they are not your real friends. You need to do what is right for you.
As for your parents, you can also talk to them. If you are nervous talking to your parents you could ask a guidance counselor or a trusted teachers on tips with how to communicate with adults. You can have a mature conversation and find out why they feel you have to be 17 to date. Together you can can discuss the pros and cons and come to a mutual decision. You should feel better after having these conversations with your parents and your friends.
Best of luck,
Abby
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Hyc7cnG3BUSI-dFJadbQEVqt7Uh9D7QcFKrGSXkv474/edit?usp=sharing
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
DeleteI am a sixth grade girl at a brand new middle school. My parents have talked with me about puberty a few times. This year, they bought me deodorant and body spray for my gym bag so I’m not stinky after class. However, my best friend really smells after gym class and I don’t think she has deodorant. I heard some boys making fun of her at lunch, and I told them to stop, but I know someone has to tell her. She is really sensitive and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. How can I tell her she doesn’t smell good after gym without looking like a jerk?
Sincerely,
Smelly in Sixth’s BFF
Dear Smelly in Sixth’s BFF,
DeleteFirst of all, I commend you for looking out for your friend! It is never easy to approach a topic like this one. However, as you mentioned, boys and possibly others are making fun of her and she may be wondering why she is being treated this way. It is best to address the issue as soon as possible.
Puberty is a time of rapid physical growth; your body is changing and you may need to take care of your body in a different way. Your friend may not be as well informed about adolescence as you. You are fortunate that your parents were comfortable enough to have “the talk” with you and to buy you some personal hygiene products. This may be a great way to approach your friend. Consider treating her to a new deodorant or a body spray. She may appreciate your thoughtfulness and be excited to use it too! We all enjoy getting an unexpected gift! She will also feel as though she is not the only person going through these changes if you are using new products as well.
I’m hoping that your friend is thrilled by your kind gesture; however, you mentioned that she is sensitive. If she does not respond well to your gift, simply say that you were trying to help and did not mean to hurt her feelings. You may have to ask a teacher or guidance counselor that you are comfortable with for some advice. Maybe your gym teacher or school nurse could have a whole-class hygiene lesson. There may be other students who could benefit from this very important discussion. In the end, you can never be considered a jerk for trying to be a good friend.
Take care,
Abby
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1o0wkb6Dix2YkOMya6meByyUvxfWfnzNcD78nj3qRNFM/edit
ReplyDeleteDear Abby: All the girls in middle school care about one thing, their weight. The goal is to be a size zero in jeans and an xs in shirts. Apparently boys only find girls pretty if they are super skinny. In the lunchroom many of my friends refuse to eat. They don’t want other people watching them eat or see what they are eating. The other day I brought a juice box, sandwich, and a bag of chips for lunch. All of my friends stared at me eating while they drank their water bottles. I asked them if they wanted some and they just made faces. They said people would judge me because I was eating fattening food.
DeleteMany girls in my school won’t eat in the cafeteria because they don’t want people to judge them and they don’t want to gain weight. I don’t want everyone judging me and calling me fat because I want to eat. I want to be liked and have boys think I am cute. We all know that Abercrombie and Fitch only sells clothes for skinny people. If I don’t wear Abercrombie and Fitch then I would just stand out more because I am not dressed like everyone else. Should I just not eat lunch? Is it healthy to skip lunch everyday? ---Confused and hungry
Dear Confused and Hungry,
DeleteIn your letter, you express that ALL the girls in the middle school only care about one thing, their weight. Do you think that is really true? Do you think there are other girls who really feel the same pressure of being thin as you do? I’d like you to think about what you need and love that makes you feel confident. Believe it or not, most boys and girls alike are attracted to people that are confident.
Have you tried bringing healthy food to eat at lunch? You could bring in things like salads, fruit, nuts, yogurt? Salads and protein options are always available at the school cafeteria if you do not have them at home. If anyone responds negatively to this, you can tell them you are fueling your body with the nutrients and vitamins it needs to have glowing skin, shiny hair, and strength to get through the rest of your day. You can also tell them that by not eating, your skin turns very pale, you can lose your hair, your eyes will begin to look sunken and you get BAD BREATH! Instead of people talking about how fat you are, they will be talking about how awful you look and smell!
I think a question to ask yourself is how YOU feel about you. What makes you confident. What great qualities do you possess that make you attractive both on the inside and outside? Look at yourself in the mirror everyday before you leave for school. Talk to yourself. Recite the things that are great about you. It may sound silly, but saying it and believing it will greatly improve your confidence. In time, people will start modeling after your positive behavior.
Think healthy both inside and out!
Good Luck,
Abby
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TPPUVc3UhT_jgtsBhar9DENn5k3zDwCvY7yQpHcg-rk/edit
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am almost 13 years old and I am SO excited... my mom said that I could have a party for my birthday! I made sure that I buttered her up a bit because I reeeeeeeally want to have my first boy/girl party! I'm almost officially a teenager so obviously it's about time. I mean, I am thirteen...almost. BUT (there's always a but..) I'm really nervous.
I have a crush on this boy and I really want to invite him. I know that he would come to my party but all of my friends said that he would want to give me my first kiss for my birthday. I'm super nervous. I don't think that I am ready yet but all of my friends have had their first kiss already and if I don't do it, they'll make fun of me and think I'm a total spazz.
I mean, it's just a kiss.. so I guess it's not that big of a deal..but it is to me! What should I do? I want to invite him but what if he tries to kiss me? How do I say no if I'm not ready?
Sincerely,
Princess with a frog that she's not ready to turn into a prince
Dear Princess,
DeleteYou are the captain of your ship. The captain will not be kissed by anyone unless she wants to be kissed.
There are reasons why you had to “butter up” your mother in order to have this boy / girl thirteenth birthday party. One of those reasons in kissing. Your mother, by virtue of being however old she is, knows about kissing. You can trust me on this one. I am a mother to a daughter about your age, and I know about kissing, too.
The kissing (or lack of) isn’t the problem, dear girl. The problem seems to be your friends’ responses to the kissing (or lack of).
Your problem is that you do not want your friends to make fun of you or think you’re lame because you do not want this boy to kiss you. Now, that we have that straight - that you do not, in fact, want this boy to kiss you, but you do, in fact, want your friends to respect your decision not to kiss him - let’s get down to the business of your friends, who are the source of your worries.
Here is how you solve your problem: You have a very awesome thirteenth birthday party that is so cool, no one has time to think about kissing. You enlist your mom to help you plan cool things to do that keep everyone so entertained, there will be no time or space to even think about kissing. You can have games, contests, food, music, dancing and whatever else you think of to make your party awesome. As the birthday girl, have fun at your own party, and the fun will be contagious.This will leave no opportunity for anyone to think about kissing.
Unless, of course, I’m wrong, and your friends do think about kissing and give you a hard time despite your awesome party. In that case, there is only one thing to do: Know that you will thrive in spite of whatever grief your friends hurl your way. You are a brave and thoughtful girl. You are a strong and fierce warrior. If your friends turn against you, you will be sad at first and then you will be ok. You may continue to be friends with your old friends, or you may make new friends. Or both.
But you will be just fine no matter what your friends think about your decision to not kiss this boy because you will have done the thing that is right for you: not kissing him. You must believe in your own judgment. You have to live with yourself twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, which means you need to make decisions that work for you. Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s opinion of you. Count yourself among the people worth pleasing.
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI’m afraid I’m going to lose my friends because I have to spend all my time on my schoolwork. My family expects me to do extremely well in school. They even want me to join the junior honor society. School really stresses me out, and the pressure to always do well is overwhelming. I could really use a break sometimes. I do alright, but it takes a lot of work, time and studying. My friends keep asking me if I can hang out with them, but I always have to tell them no because my parents want me home studying.
My friends don’t talk to me as much as they talk to each other, since they spend so much time outside of school together. I’m nervous that they’ll stop wanting to be friends with me altogether if I don’t start hanging out with them. How do I convince my parents to let me take some time off from my studying to go out with my friends? I need to have friends in school; most of my class already thinks I’m weird because I’m smart. I won’t make it if I lose the few friends I have now. How can I explain to my parents that my grades won’t slip just because I want to spend a few hours socializing? Am I wrong for wanting to go out rather than studying?
Sincerely,
Good Grades or Good Friends
Dear Good Grades or Good Friends,
DeleteHaving to balance friends and school can be very difficult and stressful. I think it’s important that you confide in your parents and let them know how you are really feeling. They know you’re smart and capable. They may not know that by pushing you they are causing you to feel very stressed and overwhelmed. Your parents are not in school with you so they also don’t know the challenges you face at school unless you tell them. When you speak with your parents, let them know that you value their support but that you need a balance between school and friends in order to continue being successful in school. By being open with your parents, they may have a better understanding of how you’ve been feeling. Ask your parents for the opportunity for you to prove to them that you can keep up your grades even when given some time to spend with your friends instead of just telling them that your grades won’t slip. Actions speak louder than words. You and parents can come up with an appropriate amount of time to prove that you can handle both school and socializing. If you ever do find that your school work is too difficult and you may need tutoring or extra help from a teacher, it is important to have that conversation with them as well. It doesn’t mean that you are any less smart, it just means you need more support. By having these conversations, you are advocating for yourself by letting them know exactly what you need to be successful.
It is also important that you have a conversation with your friends. Have you told them why you are unable to hang out with them or let them know how you feel? If they are truly your friends, they won’t give up on your friendship just because you can’t hang out with them. Let them know that you value their friendship. If all they see is how well you perform in school, they may not feel that you need to study that much. Be honest with them and let them know you really do need a lot of time to study and complete work. There are many students in the world who perform well in school but have to study a lot to do so. You are not the only one, even if it does feel like it sometimes.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vv8c3mqeMpvKnemKJ0hArA7yfO7tFGbJYvW1okn3Djs/edit?usp=sharing
ReplyDeleteDear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI feel like a lot of my close friends have started to outgrow me; in more ways than one. I’m still waiting for my growth spurt to kick in, while my friends are shooting up like beanstalks. One of my friends used this to his advantage and became a starter on the basketball team. Another friend took up skateboarding, and spends his time talking about stuff like boards and wheels and different tricks he can do. I know that I’m not very good at doing either of those things (believe me, I’ve tried!) so I haven’t seen much of either of them lately.
I’m worried that the time they spend with their new friends will make them forget about me and I’ll be left without any of the friends that I grew up with. I really don’t want to lose my friends but I don’t really fit in with the groups that they now belong to. There also aren’t very many groups that I feel like I would feel comfortable in. Is it OK for me to pretend to be something I’m not in order to try and keep my friends?
Sincerely,
Fill Out Or Sell Out
Dear Fill Out or Sell Out,
DeleteI understand where your coming from; I was the shortest and smallest kid in my grade too. Don’t feel like your behind on the growth curve. Everyone’s bodies are developing at different rates, its totally normal. While you may not feel the most successful at the sports your friends are playing, maybe you can introduce your friends to an interest of yours instead. Try inviting them out to do something that you love, or are good at. If they’re truly good friends they’ll make sure your included in what they do. If not, it wouldn’t hurt to join one of the other groups you feel comfortable with. Our friends and our interests will change a lot in life, especially in middle school. I know that it might be scary to think about not being friends with the kids you grew up with, but there are a lot of other kids in your school who are worth getting to know. I’m sure that there are other students who will have things in common with you and your interests.
You have to put yourself first and do whats best for you and your happiness, not what will impress your friends at the moment. Pretending to be something you're not can turn into a very tricky situation. You don’t want to put yourself into a bad situation where you feel pressured to do the wrong thing just to fit in. True friends will never ask you to change who you are, or make you feel bad for being yourself. Try hanging out with some of the other groups. This might just be the perfect opportunity to find even closer friends to be around.
See who else is out there.
Best of luck,
Abbey
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeleteI am a 13 year old girl and I am in 7th grade. These past couple months I have been struggling to balance my friends and school. I started off the school year strong. I was respectful to teachers, followed every direction that was given to me, and completed all my work. I had many friends and got along with everyone in my class. Two of my best friends who are both girls were really nice, and did well in school too. They always helped me with my classwork when I needed it and I really liked hanging out with them.
In the past couple months my two best friends have not been doing well in school. They get in trouble a lot for missing class, being disrespectful to the teachers, and they have not been doing their classwork. They are also no longer getting along with a lot of people who happen to be my friends and have gotten into many fights. As a result I feel like I can’t talk to those friends anymore. I don’t want to make my best friends angry by talking to people they don’t get along with. I am a little scared of them because they are bigger than me so I don’t want to put myself in a position where they might want to fight me.
I am starting to feel really isolated from my class and feel like I have very little friends now. I want to stay away from them while staying on their good side. They have been getting me in trouble because I feel like I have to do what they ask. Sometimes that means I let them use my phone in class even though I know it will get taken away if the teacher sees it. My grades have been getting worse and I was even close to failing a couple classes because I haven’t been completing my work. I also feel pressure to act just like them by coming to class late with them and not following directions. I miss my old friends very much. I also miss the way things used to be when I was a good student and was able to get along with all my classmates. I never got in trouble then and had no problems with peers. How can I start separating myself from my two best friends without being obvious that I no longer want to hang out with them? How can I be honest with them and say that I want to talk to and be friends with the people they don’t like without them getting upset with me? How can I say no to them without them getting angry at me when they want me to be late to class or use my phone in class?
Sincerely,
A Girl Who Just Wants to be Good
Dear “A Girl Who Wants to be Good”,
DeleteJuggling friends, family, schoolwork and extracurricular activities can be really difficult! Sometimes even our best friends, who are usually really good students, do not do what is expected of them. As they are your friends, you want to trust them, but it is clear they are not making good choices. I can totally understand not wanting to get in trouble with them. At the end of the day, the person you need to look out for is yourself. You need to make sure you are staying as happy, smart and safe as possible at school.
I am really concerned about the fact that you are worried they might want to “fight” you. This sounds like a very dangerous situation. Go and talk with your favorite school administrator and guidance counselor before confronting your old best friends. If you are nervous, talk to a teacher you trust and ask them to go to the guidance department with you. These adults are at school to help you with problems, so you don’t have to face them alone! Your guidance counselor will help you find the safest and best way to talk to your friends. They might even be able to help you talk with your teachers about the trouble you have been getting into lately! I know that with their help, you will find a positive solution to this problem.
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeletePlease help! I teach sixth grade and love it! I seem to bond quickly with most of my students and make every effort to connect with the most challenging. However, I feel that I am in a situation with one student that is testing my ability not to challenge what is being said at home.
“Kay” is a bright and talented student. Although shy in class, she loves to share during small group discussions and really comes alive during social lunches. Our team offers social lunches so students can take a break from the noise and organized chaos of the cafeteria. During one of our lunches, “Kay” confided in me that she was having some issues at home. This is certainly a topic that comes up during this unstructured, relaxed time. Her parents share joint custody and she sees both parents on a regular basis. She shared that she does not enjoy going to her dad’s and stepmom's because they question everything that she is doing. I had the usual response that they are concerned and want to be involved. Then “Kay” said that her stepmom questions everything that she eats and will say, “Are you really going to eat that?” or “Do you want something healthier?” Simply by appearances, “Kay” does not seem to have a health problem where these comments may be made out of concern.
As a mother of two daughters, this made my blood boil! I have always respected the home/school connection; however, my top priority needs to be “Kay.” What advice can I give this remarkable young woman to help her without overstepping my professional boundaries?
Signed,
Mom Hat vs Teacher Hat
Dear Mom Hat vs. Teacher Hat,
DeleteUgh, I totally understand where Kay is coming from. Sometimes when our parents are hard on us or mention something super annoying, we get really frustrated! Even though we know that our parents care, it still really bothers us.
I think Kay confided in you because she trusts you. I mean, I get that you’re her teacher, not her parent, but as an adult, it’s nice to be able to go to someone and talk about things that we may not be comfortable talking about with our parents. Since Kay is having some conflicts at home with her mom, I think she just really wanted an adult to go to and vent. Sometimes, we just need an ear to listen!!
I feel like being in middle school, a lot of grown-ups don’t take us seriously. I get that we’re still kids, but we are expected to have all of this responsibility and make our own choices yet when we do, we get in trouble sometimes. We’re learning. It’s all very different from elementary school and it’s scary.
If I were you, I would tell Kay to just be open and honest with her mother. I know that Kay is mad at her mom, but tell her to approach it in a calm way. If she went to her mom and said “Mom, I really appreciate you wanting to help me but it’s making me feel self-conscious when you point out my eating habits.” I think she would be able to open up a little and let her mom know that it’s hurtful without being super disrespectful.
I hope this helps!
Sincerely, A middle schooler just trying to get it right.
Dear Abby,
ReplyDeletePlease help me. My name is Emma. I am in seventh grade, and I am having serious friend problems. I have two best friends, Jennie and Hannah, and we have been best friends since nursery school. Our moms even went to college together. We have always done everything together and shared all our secrets.There is nothing about me that these girls don’t know. But, lately, I have been feeling very sad because Jennie and Hannah have been hanging around together without me, and I don’t know why.
It started at the end of October, right around Halloween. We always spend Halloween together, at one of our houses, watching creepy movies and eating candy. This year, Hannah told me that she was sick, and Jennie said that she had to take her little sister around the neighborhood trick-or-treating, but I found out after that they watched movies without me. Then, about two weeks later, they went to the trampoline park together and didn’t even invite me. At school, I walked over to them one morning to say hello, and they both acted like they were in a super big hurry to get to class. Then, I saw them duck into the bathroom. Without me!
I feel so sad and depressed, and I miss my best friends. When I told my mom about what’s going on, she said it will blow over and to talk to some of the other girls at school. But then I heard her arguing with Jennie’s mom on the phone, and now I feel bad about that too! I miss my friends, dear Abby, and I don’t know why they don’t want to hang out with me anymore. Please help!
Sincerely,
Lonely and Left Out
Dear Lonely and Left Out,
DeleteI definitely understand that feeling of missing friends, of whom you knew and loved from you were little. I too went through a similar situation. But please, don’t waste your time trying to figure out what went wrong with your friendship or if you did something wrong. Guess what, you didn’t. If these are your true friends they will be there for you when you really need them. Yes, it hurts seeing them together and not being able to hang out or even converse with them, life stands still for no one. Get on with your life. Take some time to get to know who you are and experience life and some new activities without them.
Sometimes we may not like what our parents have to say, but usually they’re right. In this case, listen to mom, go out and make some new friends. I’m certain that you have some wonderful qualities and if your other friends cannot appreciate, your new ones definitely will.
Sincerely,
Abby